Friday, November 4, 2011

I got a pressie today

See my lovely banner ^up there^?  The lovely Chareen at everybedofroses made this pretty little banner for my blog.  Thanks so much Chareen.  I just love it.

It made me think of the "blessings" I have around me right now.  Even though some days are tinged with a little loneliness and grief, and others a completely filled with people and busy-ness and errands and activities,  there is always a friend close by to share a hug with, or just to tell me that "I'm ok"

... a little slice of vegan-delicious cake and a cup of tea shared with friends every Thursday night, along with a few giggles and encouraging words...

... sitting at a computer and "chatting" with a dear friend who is a million miles away physically, but can be right there with me in an instant to share a day full of highs and lows...

... virtual hugs and shoulders shared with my bestie over the phone almost daily...

... and then a lovely gift via email, which shows me that I am thought of and loved.

Little rays of sunshine (to be a tad corny, but truthful), these people just burst in through the window and sprinkle their love and sunshine to make life feel a little more complete.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

packing it all away for another day?

I'm feeling a bit sad today... I have been pretty busy this morning, you know, just pottering around the house and getting things tidy.  Just the way I like it.  And that makes me feel pretty good!  But my mind keeps leaping to the pile of feeding tops in my wardrobe that I need sort through.  The washing hanging up in the laundry reminds me of the nursing bras I really need to replace with some (sexy?) non maternity type bras very soon.  I have no need to wear those bras anymore.  Lets face it!

I took LadyBug in to have her scheduled immunisations yesterday, and walking into the community hall made my mind flash back to the time when she was just a wee little babe, having to have those nasty needles for the first time.  The very first thing I was able to do to comfort her back then was offer her a nurturing breast feed.  This time was different.  She snuggled in for some cuddles while she had all four of her needles, and through her tears she bravely held on tight to her Mumma.  But when it was all said and done, she glanced up and me with tear filled eyes and I was just aching for her.  It would have been so wonderful to comfort her in the way that I could when we was tiny.  But the promise of a donut was the best I could do as I wiped her tears and told her I loved her.

It seems that a lot of things recently are pointing to what I have had to say goodbye to now that LadyBug isn't feeding.  With the end of pregnancy you usually get to take a baby home.  So while you can say goodbye to the massive round belly and all the aches and pains associated with pregnancy, you have a new little creature to focus on.  And you can start eating brie again.  With the end of nursing though, you just say goodbye.  Goodbye to your feeding tops, goodbye to your nursing bras, goodbye to those precious snuggles that only Mumma can provide.  Goodbye to that little baby.

feeding LadyBug at the hospital with my LittleBee close by

And I'm not entirely convinced that I am ready to say goodbye.  Oh I know LadyBug can't feed from me anymore... but there is still some hope that perhaps another little offspring can benefit from this old Mumma's milk yet?

I miss those moments with LadyBug.  I can think back to the times when it was LittleBee all small and pink too.  But there is a longing that is deep within me, a longing that it feels like I have to suffocate it or it will simply consume me.  A longing to have another little one to care for tenderly.

At some point over the coming weeks I will have to spoil myself with a "pretty bra" buying expedition, and although my heart is a tad heavy right now, I will pack away those feeding tops too, along with the bags of maternity clothing in hope that one day soon they will be able to come out again.

breath in and


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