I took LadyBug in to have her scheduled immunisations yesterday, and walking into the community hall made my mind flash back to the time when she was just a wee little babe, having to have those nasty needles for the first time. The very first thing I was able to do to comfort her back then was offer her a nurturing breast feed. This time was different. She snuggled in for some cuddles while she had all four of her needles, and through her tears she bravely held on tight to her Mumma. But when it was all said and done, she glanced up and me with tear filled eyes and I was just aching for her. It would have been so wonderful to comfort her in the way that I could when we was tiny. But the promise of a donut was the best I could do as I wiped her tears and told her I loved her.
It seems that a lot of things recently are pointing to what I have had to say goodbye to now that LadyBug isn't feeding. With the end of pregnancy you usually get to take a baby home. So while you can say goodbye to the massive round belly and all the aches and pains associated with pregnancy, you have a new little creature to focus on. And you can start eating brie again. With the end of nursing though, you just say goodbye. Goodbye to your feeding tops, goodbye to your nursing bras, goodbye to those precious snuggles that only Mumma can provide. Goodbye to that little baby.
|feeding LadyBug at the hospital with my LittleBee close by|
And I'm not entirely convinced that I am ready to say goodbye. Oh I know LadyBug can't feed from me anymore... but there is still some hope that perhaps another little offspring can benefit from this old Mumma's milk yet?
I miss those moments with LadyBug. I can think back to the times when it was LittleBee all small and pink too. But there is a longing that is deep within me, a longing that it feels like I have to suffocate it or it will simply consume me. A longing to have another little one to care for tenderly.
At some point over the coming weeks I will have to spoil myself with a "pretty bra" buying expedition, and although my heart is a tad heavy right now, I will pack away those feeding tops too, along with the bags of maternity clothing in hope that one day soon they will be able to come out again.
breath in and