Monday, March 26, 2012

decisions, decisions

The restaurant is full tonight.  Families, couples, friends, lovers... all adding energy to the atmosphere of the room.  The wait staff busy themselves clearing our plates from our meal, and topping up our drinks.  A waiter stops and asks if we would like to see the dessert menu.  Of course we would!  The choices seem endless... baked this, chocolate that, lemony tarts, cakes, tortes, fruit platters and ice creams all delightfully dance across the page.  The cake display cabinet taunts with the delectable choices within.  I look over at the child among us who has been so well behaved, eating up her dinner, waiting for her dessert.  A glance at the dessert menu for her is simple... ice cream with your choice of topping.

Chocolate or strawberry.


Remember when your decisions used to be that simple... when you had someone with you who knows you so well to know that of course you are going to choose the chocolate, so they just order it for you.  And it's the best choice ever, thanks Mum.

And then you grow up a bit more, and you have to make different decisions for yourself.  And at the time they make you feel so grown up.  What colour car will I drive?  What colour should I dye my hair?  What classes will I take, or which one's will I skip this week?  Which friends will I invite to the movies?  When your decisions were based on yourself really, learning how to be an adult in a fast paced world.  Learning how to hold your own, provide for yourself, balance family, faith, life, love and work.  And it's fun to be an adult.

Then all of the sudden, your life flashes by in fast motion.  You get married.  So you decide what colour dress to wear, who will be your attendees, which song you will have playing as you dance with your Dad.  Beef or chicken?  You move into a house you picked out of a handful to rent.  You choose to start a family, and even though you have to wait a long time, you do have a baby.  You choose their name, with meaning and love.  You try and work out how to parent this little being.  You are faced with decisions on financial issues, spiritual factors, workplace politics, family balancing acts.  All in the premise of being an adult and making adult decisions.  And you feel important to be an adult.

But one day a few weeks ago I woke up and suddenly realised that I was actually an adult.  At nearly 36 I finally feel like an adult, making real grown up decisions that don't just effect me anymore.  A defining moment maybe?  There wasn't someone at my dinner table looking at the menu and knowing that I too would choose the chocolate topping, so they just order it for me.  I woke up, facing and making decisions that I really didn't want to have to make.  Now it was all me.  All me and all my husband and everything that we chose effected all the little beings that live with us.

I don't know what happened that changed my thinking on life.  Maybe this is what happens when you hit nearly 36.  There really is no going back now is there?  The little people around us a growing, and we are trying with all we have to provide them with a loving and encouraging environment.  To give them every opportunity we can for them to learn, grow and be nurtured, to experience fun and laughter and security.  All the while, we still have to balance life, love, work, faith etc in this world, where the pace of life is going faster than any of us can dare keep up with.

We've faced many decisions in our marriage, really in our married life.  Decisions of faith, where we have been pushed and tested and shown faithful.  We have decided on careers, on medical issues with our son, on following God in church planting.  All really big things.  But it seems that the things that hover over us now are definably "grown up" because it's not just us anymore.

Sometimes being an adult sucks!

Wouldn't it be nice to have your dessert ordered for you, knowing that you were going to choose that triple berry cheesecake anyway, just so that the agony of the decision making doesn't wear away at your soul any more than it needs to.

1 comment:

  1. I make "adult" decisions each and every day.. Have done since I was 17, but the thing I struggle most with is being a wife and sharing the load. It's so hard to let go. I keep telling myself its okay to take a back seat, to let my husband take complete control but it's just so difficult when I have done things for myself and my kids alone for so long. Jiedyn has been amazing! He has complete faith and love for his Daddy yet I find me struggling..... I think I'm changing, this stuff didn't matter so much to me before but this wife business is harder then I thought!! xoxo


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