... I'm not talking about the big things that you would expect after losing a loved one. It is inevitable that you will have a burial, or a memorial. And that it will be utterly heartbreaking, really beyond any words. You will receive flowers and visitors and meals and love and support and all the things that will get you through the first few days and weeks of your grief. I mean more like the little things. The things that you don't think about or plan for. The things that kind of sneak up on you and trample on your heart just that little bit more...
... having to make a ham sandwich for lunch, knowing that just a few days prior this was a big pregnancy no-no.
... finding all the baby samples of creams and lotions and nappies that you were given at the baby show
... removing your ticker from the forums you visit that mindlessly(?) continue to track your pregnancy even though it has brutally ended
... paying for a Body Shop order that had products you had purchased for the new baby, and having to quickly intercept the order before it was finalised. Just so that you don't have to have those products arrive on your doorstep
... stepping on to the scales and seeing that those four little kilos you put on during the pregnancy have vanished already, and wanting more than anything that they would be back and you would be continuing to curse the scales for another 20 weeks at least!
... realising that the not only has your baby passed away, your pregnancy has ended. All too soon. All too quickly.
And now I sink into what is meant to be normality. This time last week I was wearing maternity clothes and dreaming of the ultrasound later in the week. I was debating names and planning shopping trips with my girls so we could start buying up for this little one. This time last week I was pregnant, feeling (what I know now to be pseudo) movements and longing for the day that this little being would be in my arms.
These are the things you just can't prepare for. These are the things, that even after all the flowers fade, all the visits subside, and life begins to resume again, these are the things that will continue to loom like a storm cloud. These are the memories that cannot be erased with time. These are the things you just don't expect you have to do... resume life without your baby.